Fear

March 3rd 2024

I have a deep fear of intimacy. I have a deep fear of abandonment. What’s going to happen when I’m not pretty anymore? Will you still love me? I’m shallow. 

You say you love me but will you love me on my bad days? When I’m tired and grumpy and everything pisses me off, will you still love me? Will you love me when I’m no fun? When I want to go home because I hate everyone. 

I know myself enough to know I am difficult to love. I’m deeply insecure but my massive ego makes it seem like I’m not. I can’t stand being around people for too long, I always want to go home and be on my own. The truth is I am overwhelmed by most people, energetically. You all are draining. 

The truth is I like my own company more. I’m never bored. 

You say you admire how wise I am but really I’m tired and I’ve been through a lot. You say I’m beautiful but I fucking hate that compliment. You know nothing about me. 

I'm scared of becoming old. Unable to run like I used to.  What if I develop a sickness, will you hold my hand while I lay in bed? What if I can’t have kids, will you stay? What if my jokes get old? What if you find someone you love more? What if they’re cooler, smarter, nicer? What if you find out I’m not as great as you thought? 

I’ll disappoint you. 

You say you like how independent I am but you don’t know this is how it had to be. You say you like how self-aware I am but self-awareness is meaningless if there’s no action behind it.